Sidecars are for bitches...

My aunt: Your printer is low on cyan ink.

My grandma: On what?

My aunt: Your printer is low on cyan ink.

My grandma: My… my refrigerator is low on what?

Reasons Why Today was a Failure:

• Slept through alarm clock
• Didn’t have time to shower —> dry-braided hair in an attempt to look like less of a hot mess (only slightly successful)
• Missed bus
• Had to ride bike onto campus at 8:30AM, when the temperature was a refreshing 30 degrees
• Discovered, while riding, that I have lost one of my gloves
• My left hand nearly froze off
• Had to ride a bike for 20 minutes while toting my book-bag AND a bulky 50 ton tote bag of the design reports for the class I TA because they had to be back to my boss’s office today (note: making the bus on time would have really helped)
• Had to bike up to the engineering quad in the afternoon to deliver said reports and almost hit half a dozen students, because somehow engineers are even WORSE at not walking in the bike path than normal people
• Ran into my newly-ex boyfriend for the first time since the break-up. Nothing to make you feel worse about breaking up with someone than seeing them two days later, walking through the Talbot parking lot, clutching a coffee, and staring at the ground to avoid eye contact with you while you chain up your bike. Could have tried to make small talk/ any amount of contact, but figured silence and walking away was better, considering today’s track record with luck/fortune. 

Reasons Why Today was not a Complete Failure:

• In my systems class, I successfully installed Linux on the crappiest, most issue-prone Dell desktop computer with little/no real difficulty and consequently felt like a computer goddess. (It’s all about the little victories, folks.)
• I just took the longest and hottest of showers and consequently feel like a person again.
• In the last 72 hours multiple people have offered me hugs, (alcoholic) drinks, non-judgmental listening ears, shoulders to cry on (NOT THAT I CRY, EVER, YOU GUYS), ice cream, and ever-so-needed and pleasantly distracting trips to the movies. Biggest lesson learned from recent situations: life will sometimes throw endless amounts of shit at you that you will in no way be able to deal with on your own; it really helps to surround yourself with ridiculously amazing humans who will talk you through your problems, tell you when you need to get your shit together, accept your tearful post-break-up call, take you to see Girl with the Dragon Tattoo instead of letting you wallow, and let you come over to eat Oreos and watch British sci-fi. 
• EDIT: Also, my online class professor’s description of today’s guest speaker: “I like to think of him as the Stephen Colbert of digital humanities, for his Jesuit mind and his tendency to catch one by surprise.” I am now officially pumped for my evening class. 

apio: 

I was doing some Important Research on kissing when wearing lipstick 

(because shut the fuck up, that’s why) and read some article that advised ladies to wipe off their lipstick before kissing, since apparently some men don’t like kissing women with lipstick on.

Immediate string of thoughts:

• bitch PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE
• if I deign to put my face on your face
• and bless thy mouth with my lips
• you BEST BELIEVE
• I WILL BE KISSING YOU WEARING WHATEVER LIP PRODUCT I DAMN WELL PLEASE
• AND YOU WILL TAKE IT
• YOU WILL TAKE IT AND YOU WILL LIKE IT
• and you will wear that smudge of color like a badge of honor
• you know why?
• because your tacit participation in perpetuating our patriarchal standards of beauty
• are, along with my personal aesthetic choices,
• THE REASON I AM WEARING THIS LIPSTICK IN THE FIRST PLACE
• because lips deepened with color are associated with heightened arousal
• same goes for cheek color too
• so if a bit of my blush gets on your shirt
• I better never, ever hear of it
• ‘cause you will take that shit up with your dry cleaners
• and thank your lucky stars I even allowed you that close to my orbit.

• 

 

There’s always that post a page or two in that solidifies my decision to follow someone. This one may be my favorite of all time.